Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Attention Deficit Gamer - Duke Nukem Forever

I felt bad as the first previews and reviews for Duke Nukem Forever came in. Honestly, no one wants to believe that a game over a dozen years in the making is a major crapfest. I mean, we weren't expecting perfection or anything. Even so the words coming out of bloggers' mouths have been down right mean. No punches were pulled, no kid gloves in sight. It's almost as if Duke Nukem himself punched the ever-lovin' tar out of his own reviews. Now I know reviewers can get a bit snooty when it comes to game expectations, so I figured it was my duty to give the Duke a chance.

Oh sweet christmas, I really wish I just listened to the reviewers this one time...

I booted up the ol' Xbox360 this evening after dinner, only to see a demo for Duke Nukem Forever waiting. "Sure", I think to myself, ignoring every ounce of common sense. "It can't really be that bad."

**Note: This is an account of my second attempt at the demo. These events occur shortly after yelling "WTF!?!" and shutting off the system.**

  • After a fairly absurd loading screen (considering the graphics), I find Duke standing in front of a urinal, prompting me to "Piss". Because "pee" isn't offensive or edgy, I guess. This is my second time at said urinal, and I really couldn't care less. Duke's going to hold it the entire game.
  • I walk around the locker room "interacting" with pointless objects. By interacting, I mean poking and prodding like a retarded child. Ooh, let's turn on all the faucets and leave them running. Immersion!
  • I just drew a penis on a dry-erase board, and the rent-a-solider just yelled "Genius!". I'm not laughing, and this game is going downhill from here.
  • There's a giant mecha-monster, but the lag following his scripted attack is scarier. 
  • I'm punching the hell out of some crates, and I promise this is most fun for the rest of the demo.
  • Pick up a really underpowered weapon that seems to do less damage than punching, which I can't go back to now that I have a gun. Time to pretend to attack a monster.
At this point I really recommend everyone try this demo. The following boss fight is something quite amazing. Here's the transcript of a conversation I had with myself from 13 years ago:

Past Dave: Wow, Future Dave, the future sounds awesome! I just finished Ocarina of Time! What are new video games like?

Future Dave: In Duke Nukem Forever, which took the past decade to make, the first boss stands in the middle of a empty field. He only rotates in place, and does the same close-range and long range attack. Half the time I'm nowhere near his foot when he stomps my ass, which takes half my "ego". Last time I bruised my ego, I didn't die 10 minutes later. I just grew a bigger pair than Duke Nukem apparently doesn't have. I don't even want to know what arbitrary method is used to beat the boss, considering my only ammo was gone before a quarter of the boss's health was depleted. Duke Nukem is dead.

PD: (face full of tears, heart clearly broken)...

FD: That's right, enjoy the next few years, it all goes hell after that.

PD: (sniffs) So, there's nothing good to play anymore?

FD: Well, there's a new 3D handheld system with some good games.

PD: Yeah?! Like what?

FD: ...Ocarina of Time.

PD: Oh.

FD: Yeah.

Total Play Time: Approx. 2 mins on attempt #1, 6 mins for attempt #2. I really wish I was making up the times just for the joke of it. That was still way too long to be playing this monstrosity. Really, don't even look at this game in a store. Just seeing the cover in person is less fun than not seeing it.


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