Oh sweet christmas, I really wish I just listened to the reviewers this one time...
I booted up the ol' Xbox360 this evening after dinner, only to see a demo for Duke Nukem Forever waiting. "Sure", I think to myself, ignoring every ounce of common sense. "It can't really be that bad."
**Note: This is an account of my second attempt at the demo. These events occur shortly after yelling "WTF!?!" and shutting off the system.**
- After a fairly absurd loading screen (considering the graphics), I find Duke standing in front of a urinal, prompting me to "Piss". Because "pee" isn't offensive or edgy, I guess. This is my second time at said urinal, and I really couldn't care less. Duke's going to hold it the entire game.
- I walk around the locker room "interacting" with pointless objects. By interacting, I mean poking and prodding like a retarded child. Ooh, let's turn on all the faucets and leave them running. Immersion!
- I just drew a penis on a dry-erase board, and the rent-a-solider just yelled "Genius!". I'm not laughing, and this game is going downhill from here.
- There's a giant mecha-monster, but the lag following his scripted attack is scarier.
- I'm punching the hell out of some crates, and I promise this is most fun for the rest of the demo.
- Pick up a really underpowered weapon that seems to do less damage than punching, which I can't go back to now that I have a gun. Time to pretend to attack a monster.
At this point I really recommend everyone try this demo. The following boss fight is something quite amazing. Here's the transcript of a conversation I had with myself from 13 years ago:
Past Dave: Wow, Future Dave, the future sounds awesome! I just finished Ocarina of Time! What are new video games like?
Future Dave: In Duke Nukem Forever, which took the past decade to make, the first boss stands in the middle of a empty field. He only rotates in place, and does the same close-range and long range attack. Half the time I'm nowhere near his foot when he stomps my ass, which takes half my "ego". Last time I bruised my ego, I didn't die 10 minutes later. I just grew a bigger pair than Duke Nukem apparently doesn't have. I don't even want to know what arbitrary method is used to beat the boss, considering my only ammo was gone before a quarter of the boss's health was depleted. Duke Nukem is dead.
PD: (face full of tears, heart clearly broken)...
FD: That's right, enjoy the next few years, it all goes hell after that.
PD: (sniffs) So, there's nothing good to play anymore?
FD: Well, there's a new 3D handheld system with some good games.
PD: Yeah?! Like what?
FD: ...Ocarina of Time.
Total Play Time: Approx. 2 mins on attempt #1, 6 mins for attempt #2. I really wish I was making up the times just for the joke of it. That was still way too long to be playing this monstrosity. Really, don't even look at this game in a store. Just seeing the cover in person is less fun than not seeing it.